dear charley

[sugarpills]

[ ryan sits at his suite, with an old calligraphy pen, and a piece of paper that looked like it was run over a few times. the layer that's still inside of him is screaming, pleading that he postpone the letter because it lacked even a speck of professionalism. but you couldn't be picky in zelien. he was just lucky this thing didn't smell like garbage. or something even worse. he pushes the pocket watch aside, supporting the paper on an old book he found. and he begins to write. ]

Dear Charley

Miss. Charley Pollard

ch

Charley,

I know you probably don't want to read this right now. I'm pretty sure you don't have want anything to do with me anymore. And that's completely understandable. I don't want much to do with me either. But if you could, I'd like for you to read this. Even once is okay.

Charley, you have been the answer to everything my best friend. When I was on the Charon, I was completely miserable. I believed that I was crazy, and that everyone else thought so too. There were a lot of unhealthy things going through my mind, but when I met you, there was just something that made me think differently you helped me you made me feel like I mattered. Not so much mattering in ' I have a purpose on this ship ' but like in that my existence mattered. You wanted me there and you wanted me to stay.

You're a beautiful woman, inside and out. There's no doubt that everyone agrees including your doctor friend, and there's no reason why you should think any differently. You're smart, and you're beautiful and witty and enlarging the best thing I could have asked for here. You saved me.

I don't know what happened. I didn't want it to happen
it wasn't me and i

Things happened that I really regret. I can't explain how much I hate myself for hurting you There are things that I really can't describ
I don't know what happened, but it

I don't know how to explain this. I want to tell you that it wasn't me that hurt you. I want to say that I didn't mean it at all and I never wanted to hurt you. There's nothing more I want to do than say than I don't know what happened and just to forget it. But none of that would make sense would it? I [ a few frustrated squiggles can be seen. ]

This is really hard. I don't know what to say other than I love you and that it wasn't me
it wasn't me. I never wanted to hurt you before, and I don't want to hurt you now. I want to tell you everything's going to be okay and not to worry because it'll never happen again. But that sounds bad.

Maybe I am crazy. I don't know anymore. I don't think anyone will.

Thanks for reading this, Charley. And I really do love you, no matter what you think or what has happened.

Sincerely,

Ryan Newman

Comments

[edwardian_adventuress]

[The reply comes a day or two later as Charley tries to find the right words. She had spoken to others, and thought about what they told her. Does she really think he did what he did intentionally? Can she really put it past COMPASS to warp his personality and make him do things he wouldn't otherwise do?

She pulls out the notebook she'd been using as a journal and the pen from home, and begins writing.]

Ryan,

I've had a lot of time to think. I won't lie, this has had me scared for a while, but people have been telling me things. They've told me about what COMPASS has done to them and to people they know. I've also thought back to other times as well. Things I've seen.

I don't think it was you, Ryan. I don't think you're insane. What you did just doesn't match up with how you've been before or after. You've always been sweet and gentle. Always very hard on yourself, and often depressed, but you've never shown that you have a malicious bone in your body. I don't think it's ridiculous at all to say that you weren't you. No, I suppose it would not make sense to forget it, but we have to move on. We have no idea if it will happen again. COMPASS loves to see us suffer, but let's not help them along by making ourselves miserable.

Before I met you, I was also miserable. You see, before I arrived on the Charon, I'd lost someone I loved. Twice, actually. Both of my Doctors. The first I thought had died, and the second had to have his memories of me wiped so that when he met me again, it would be for the "first" time. When I found myself on that wretched ship, there were three Doctors. Well, three and a half, counting Theta. Still, it didn't matter. It was like having the one thing you want most in the world just out of your reach. To them, I was either an abstract future or an old memory. Despite how kind they've been to me, I still felt alone in a way.

I don't say this to make you feel bad. What I mean is... then I met you. You've always been so sweet and gentle with me. I've never felt like a burden or someone who needed to be protected. Best of all, you love me despite my scars. You never even saw them. You just saw me.

Things seem to conspire against us here, and yes, we shouldn't just forget what happened. But maybe we can find a way. I'd like to find a way, Ryan, because I love you, too.

I think we should meet and talk. We both have roommates now, but perhaps we can find an unoccupied space in the Academic building. I think we could both use the time alone without anyone messing with our minds.

Love,

Charley

[sugarpills]

[ That alone is enough to make Ryan cry for a bit. As he reads though her letter, there's this amazing sense of pure relief that's flooding through him. It's like a huge weight is being lifted off of his shoulders, It's absolutely wonderful, and he loves it.

because I love you, too. Maybe things would be okay! ]

Charley,

It's really good to hear that. I can't even describe how I feel right now. For the first time since, I feel happy. Like there's a chance to move on and not hate your existence every single minute.
That last part was kind of unnecessary, sorry.

I wish we could just run away from everything. Like if there was a way to break away from COMPASS I'd rescue you in a minute. This place has screwed up everything for everybody and I can't take it much anymore. I don't get sad much anymore than I do angry.

Maybe we could find a place near the jungle or something that could be all to ourselves. We'll take bits and pieces of anything and maybe steal something from the speakeasy and make it all on our own. No one could bug us or see us or be able to do anything.

Am I rambling? Sorry.

When would you like to meet up? As long as you're okay with seeing me again, I'll wait as long as you need.

Ryan

[edwardian_adventuress]

A place near the jungle? Isn't that a bit dangerous? Or, perhaps you have something in mind that I'm simply not picturing right.

I want to see you soon. I miss you.

Charley

[sugarpills]

Kind of. We'd find a safe place of our own and make it all ours.
Or maybe in an abandoned building would be safer. I don't know.

I
I miss you too. A lot.

When did you want to meet up? Where?

[edwardian_adventuress]

We'll work on making something nice, but for now, I just want to see you.

Will you see me tonight? There's a little recitation room in the back that I don't think any of the others have claimed yet because it's too small to hold all their things, but that doesn't matter for us tonight. Bring a blanket. I don't think there'll be anywhere to sit and it will probably be a bit chilly.

[sugarpills]

Alright. I'll see you then Charley. Promise!

[ Ryan could hardly feel his feet as he made his way to the recitation room. His palms were sweaty, and his guts were twisted into really painful knots. This kind of reminded him of when he was in high school, and he was bringing his date to see his father for the first time. Only a hundred times more stressful. Or maybe two.

He nibbled on his lip as he hoisted the two blankets up, making sure that they didn't touch the ground. Might as well not get them dirty yet. Not that he was expecting anything to happen. He was really happy that Charley couldn't read minds or anything, because if she heard anything that he was thinking, she'd probably run away. It made sense.

Ryan jumped when he heard something. Was it…? ] Ch-charley? [ Did his voice break? His voice definitely cracked. Embarrassing as usual, Ryan Newman. ]

[edwardian_adventuress]

[Charley is nervous and excited all at once. Being alone with someone who killed you makes you a little jittery, even if you know they didn't mean it. It's a visceral reaction. Still, it would fade soon enough, especially considering the way he'd been acting. He isn't going to hurt her.

The tables had been shoved out of the little room before Ryan got there; they could have tried to sit on them, but Charley's pretty sure they would have fallen apart under their weight. So, out they went, leaving the room bare except for her and the blanket she brought herself.

She gets to her feet when she hears footsteps, heart pounding for a miriad of reasons. And then, when she hears Ryan's voice, she steps out of the doorway and into a shaft of light so he can see her.]

Yes...yes, it's me.

[sugarpills]

[ Charley looks beautiful.

And before he could do anything else, he feels a stab of guilt. It made his insides hurt, and his mind race. And everything went back to deserving vs. non-deserving. It was always like this for him; why did he do it to himself? Ryan was so nervous he could barely even think straight, let alone try and determine what was good for Charley rather than himself.

Could he try this just once?

Ryan took a few steps forward, struggling to hold back the urge to run. He couldn't do this now. ] You look…[ Then he paused. And after what felt like years of standing there and mentally beating himself up, he muttered: ] beautiful.

[edwardian_adventuress]

[Charley clutches her hands in front of her, feeling a little nervous herself. She just wants this to go right for once. With her lip tucked between her teeth, she waits for Ryan to decide what to say, willing him not to run off or tell her he can't do this.

Please stay.

When he finally speaks, her mouth curves in a wide smile and she closes the few paces between them in a half-run, throwing her arms around him with her face buried in his shoulder.

She doesn't say anything. Not yet. She just clings tightly to him.]

[sugarpills]

[ Nothing can describe how Ryan feels right now.

When she throws her arms around her, and feels her rubbing into his shoulder, he's filled with relief. And sadness. And still a little guilt. But above it all, there's this wonderful feeling of joy that he hasn't felt in forever. It was mind-numbing, and left this funny tingling in his fingertips. Before he knows it, Ryan feels tears sliding down his cheeks.

What should he say? There's one thing that comes to mind…but let's not say it. She knows. ] I missed you.

[edwardian_adventuress]

[Charley pulls back to look into his eyes, brushing her fingers gently over his cheeks to dry his tears. This settles it. There is no way he ever meant what he did. It was all COMPASS' doing. There could be no doubt.]

I missed you too, darling.

[Her voice is soft, quiet, and wavering just a bit with the tears she won't shed. Not tonight. Ryan should see her happy. He needs to know she's alright, and that everything will be okay between them.]

Come on. It will be much warmer in the room when we get inside and close the doors.

[She reaches down to take his hand, threading her fingers with his, leading him towards the small room. It would never be big enough for anyone to live in, but it's good enough for two to spend an evening.]